True Story from Brian the Cabbie

My friend, Brian, drives AlAskA Cab #57. He drives the night shift every weekend. Brian, who belongs in New York City (the Yankee's cap, white tee shirt, the flannel, the blue jeans, the accent), has a lot of stories and this is the one he told me tonight when he stopped in to Leroy's for a quick cup of coffee:

"This was just 15 minutes ago, I'm still amped. Okay, get this call from dispatch and go downtown to the Ramada where AlAskA Distillers are having a company party. They've got like 200 drunk employee's to send home in cabs, right, so this guy hands me a voucher and tells me to take this other guy home. I like these vouchers because at least I know I'll never get stiffed. Anyway, dude gets in the cab, tells me where I want to go, and off we go. Well, right away, he pulls out a pouch of tobacco and pinches off a chew. He doesn't even ask first, just does it. I get pissed when people do that because the drunk ones always make a fucking mess and they never think about where they're going to spit. And if they don't spit, they'll swallow that nasty shit and they're already drunk... anyway, we get about a mile down the road and the guy spits... right on the fucking window! I slam on the fuckin' breaks: ERRRERAAEERRRRR! 'What the fuck do you think you're doin', asshole!' I yell at the guy. He says he's sorry and whips it off with his sleeve. I say to myself, 'fuckit,' and keep driving. Well, not 30 seconds later he does it again. So I slam on the brakes and yell at him, 'Alright you drunk piece of shit, out of the cab, ride's over!' right? He says to me, 'chill out dude, I'll tip ya 20 bucks.' And I say to him, 'Fuck you, some things aren't for sale, you piece of shit. Get the fuck out of my cab.' He says, 'Don't be so hostile,' and to that I pull out my fuckin' 20 inch Maglite and say, 'Hostile!? You have seen fuckin' hostile yet, buddy! Get the fuck out.' So he gets out, running too, and it's cold as shit out there tonight. Like 5 below or something and this guy's got no fucking coat. We're miles away from where he said he had to go. Anyway, I speed off and when I get like six blocks down the road I decide I haven't had enough of this guy, so I turn around and go back and there he is standing where I left him puking his guts out. 'Serves you right, you piece of shit!' The guy looks at me and says, 'Who the fuck do you think you are? I drive a beer truck, man!' 'You what? You drive a beer tuck and that makes you better than me? Who's standing in the blisting fucking cold in a puddle of thier own puke, without a coat, and no money? Answer me that and I'll tell you who's better than who.' I take off again and just start driving circles around the block yelling at him every time I go around. On the last pass I see that he had flagged down a Checker Cab and usually we don't try to help those guys out any, but I couldn't let this guy get a free ride. I yell to the Checker cabbie, 'Hey, he's a defrauder, he's got no money, I had to kick him out of my cab for repeated spitting on the windows, and he's just puked a swimming pool back on 4th and Eagle!' The cabbie screams at the guy, 'Get the fuck out of my fucking cab you asshole!' Oh, man, you should have seen this guy, Erik. He was something special. And check this out. See this? This is the voucher the guy at the party gave me. I think... ya, I think he lived in Eagle River, that's a $50 dollar trip, and didn't he say he was going to tip me $20?"