Lists #2

Some Phrases That Have Never Been Uttered in Human History
"Look out, God -- behind You!"
"Nothing's the same since Julie started those wars."
"The New World has that New World smell."
"We, the jury, find the defendant cute as a button."
"My acne is going to make me a star!"
"I claim this land in the name of Erik M. Kershner."
"Let the ant-shaving begin!"

Terms that corporate America should use in place of "Going Forward"
from now on
in the future
tomorrow
soon
until our children's children learn to hunt buffalo
after this meeting
later

Common Phrases Not Written in Eddie's High-School Yearbook, for Obvious Reasons
Stay sweet!
Keep in touch!
Don't change!

What God Does in His Spare Time
Mountain Biking
Trips over stars
Sudoku
Meatloaf
Practical jokes on James Dobson
Gives Mungo and ZZ a baby

Less Popular Bars
DUI Friday's
The Pulled Groin
Club 1040
The Bloated Haggis
The Hideous Rictus' Skeet 'n Brew
Petrie Dish Club
Gergen Flailer's Orifice
The Double Wide
Secondhand Smoke
Scared Straight Tavern
Mickey's

10 Things I Found While Cleaning Trash Around My Apartment
Wooden Spoon
Condom
Broken Hockey Stick
Eminem "Curtain Call" CD
Taco Bell Paraphinalia
An Unbroken Egg
Dirty Diaper
Safeway Plastic Bag
MGD Bottle
Orange Fanta Can